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Being a child of critical parents, how much mistreatment is enough? How much wishing things will change do you do? How many second chances do you give your parents? When do you draw the line and create boundaries? When do you cut ties?

How to Deal with a Critical Parent

Understand that a parent who gives in to the desire and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why else would they give in to the temptation to make their own children feel so badly about themselves? They either lack understanding as to what their words are doing, or they lack kindness. Either way, they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell yourself that this shows that they are the ones who are flawed, not you. Just remember that just because you’re genetically linked (or adopted by) this person, doesn’t give him / her the right to mistreat you.

How to address your critical parent can be a tricky proposition. People in general can become defensive, retreat, or run away. But when the person is your own parent, so many more dynamics come in to play. And although you may make the most honorable, loving, and concerted effort to keep the relationship afloat, your parent may not see things the same way you do. The following is a series of steps I took to approach my critical parents: 1. Do Nothing: For a long time, I did nothing. I thought that after time, the judgmental criticisms would go away when I proved myself to be worthy. I thought that after I exhibited my independence and showed how successful I was as a person, my parent would magically become this nicer, unconditionally loving, and careful parent. WRONG. Obviously, doing nothing won’t change how your critical parent treats you. So if doing nothing is the option chosen, you’ll have to accept that he / she is the one that is flawed and know that he / she will not change. I wasn’t to that stage, as I kept blaming myself. Not until I started to understand that my parent was the flawed one did I start seeing the light and coming to terms with the relationship.

2. Communicate: I tried communicating my desire for an unconditional and loving relationship with my parent and expressed how I felt when I left from a visit– dejected, empty, and sad. The result? My parent became more critical, more judgmental, and more dysfunctional.

Alice Miller encourages grown children to express anger and pain to their parents, not to punish or change, but to develop an authentic relationship. When you say no more, the word “no” is a word that never should be negotiated because the parent who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. Declining to hear “no” is a signal that someone is either seeking to control or refusing to relinquish control.

So, if you opt to communicate your displeasure with your mistreatment, be firm with your stance and consistent with your reactions. Be honest and relate that the criticisms really hurt. Being honest like this is hard but if you want to have a relationship with your parent and not tolerate the abuse, speak your mind to try to improve the situation. Further, let the parent know that you no longer want to hear their criticisms and sharing them with you is no longer an option. And if your parent decides not to accept your feelings or your requests, realize that you own your feelings and that you have every right to feel the way you do and that every relationship has mutual respect. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.

3. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries was the next step. When I was a teenager, keeping involved in school activities and functions kept me from being at home and the recipient of the mistreatment. Once I was out on my own, I physically separated myself from my parents. For example, if you live next-door to your parents, consider moving to the other side of town. If you live in your parent’s house, consider renting an apartment or buying your own home.

I also limited calls and visits. For example, if your mother asks you to call every day, politely explain that you are only able to call once a week. Or, if your father demands weekly visits, kindly explain that you are only able to visit one weekend a month. Along with limiting calls & visits, I set boundaries on the amount of time my parents spent at my home– and dropping by unannounced was a big no-no. If violations of boundaries occur, let the parent know immediately and remind the parent of the boundaries.

In my case, the boundaries didn’t help in regard to criticisms. The criticisms coming from my parent only accelerated as time progressed. Even if I only saw my parent three times a year, I left every single visit feeling terrible. My parent would completely crush me with snide or off-hand comments, cutting comments at opportune times, and make mountains out of mole hills leaving me completely baffled as to where this treatment was coming from.

4. Separate Yourself: Now I was forced to take the next step, which was to separate myself– not a permanent estrangement or no-contact situation, but a time for reflection and review of the relationship. During this time, I politely turned-down invitations for get-togethers and avoided communications with the parent. My goal was that through keeping this space between myself and my parent, time may ease tensions and make appreciation for the other grow. My hope was that my parent would be more grateful to see me, softer with approach, and also realize errors in the way I was treated. Nope. Maybe things were a bit brighter upon the first visit after the separation, but the critical treatment quickly returned and at a greater intensity.

The single greatest power adult children have is the ability to GET AWAY. Simply talking aobut the source of danger does not make it go away. Saying, “I won’t tolerate being treated this way” and failing to leave demonstrates lack of conviction and ambivalence.

Remember some parents have a need for perfection and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, or what you are worth as a person. Such people rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if you tried harder you would suddenly gain their approval. You won’t.

The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver,

is usually the one who has a problem and needs to change.

5. Estrangement / No-Contact: So after decades of trying and progressive steps to try to ‘create’ a loving and compassionate parent, I decided to stop trying. First off, you can’t change anyone… but YOURSELF. Second, life is too short. Acknowledging both of these points, I made a conscious effort to surround myself with loving, approving people. I broke off all contact with my critical parent and made sure that my life was filled with people who see the good in me and who aren’t too afraid or too petty to give me the affirmation and positive feedback my soul deserves.

Sure I wish things were different. I would love to have a warm and loving relationship with my parents. Sure I wish I had parents that are accepting and supportive– but that’s not what I was given. And because I recognize and understand where my parents are coming from, I chose not to participate. I chose to be happy. I chose to have love in my life. I chose to have people in my life that see the GOOD in others.

If a person can’t see the good in others, he / she is lacking

basic qualities needed for healthy human relationships.

I am presently estranged from both of my parents, but each relationship manifested itself completely differently. What was the drawing-line in one relationship was not the same drawing-line for the other. My Dad’s relationship was progressively souring, whereas my mother’s relationship was cyclical with a distinct blow-up suddenly initiating an estrangement. In other words, my Dad & my relationship was a slow decline leading to an estrangement, and my mother & my relationship went into an estrangement abruptly.

My Mother: the suddenly critical parent

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and we’ve been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During ‘good’ times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 – 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

Prior to our 2004 estrangement, my mother and I were getting along very well. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned, and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate the quirks and would maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.

My estrangement with my mother started mid-way through 2004 (Little Women) when she didn’t agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn’t have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn’t even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement didn’t occur because she blew up about the wedding– the estrangement occurred because of:
a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and
how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened.

If she simply had blown-up about the wedding and then let things cool down to where we could move on, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don’t get me wrong– the estrangement would have happened as it’s happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline’s tragic personality– what drives the Borderline’s personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her husbands (3), circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her… or as she puts it, I ‘kicked’ her ‘out’ of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage’s (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it’s not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats; therefore, the BPD’s fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 80′s, 90′s, and 2000′s where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement. Her disagreement with my wedding wasn’t the reason for the estrangement– my mother’s reaction to the disagreement that was the reason. Her reaction was one filled with anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies, which all led to a complete loss of trust. During the Dr. Jekyll times, things were good. During Mr. Hyde times, estrangements occur. Thus, the cycle of BPD.

My Dad: the always critical parent

In contrast, my Dad is a completely different story. My Dad doesn’t cycle through varying behavior, attitudes, or dispositions. He is always a selfish and a highly critical narcissist, who is getting worse as he is getting older and retired. He loves the blame game and guilt trips. He enjoys criticizing, nit-picking, and judging. He’s a prolific gossip and loves manipulating those around him for his gain. He feels like the world revolves around him, loves being the center of attention, and demands a great deal of praise & admiration from others. He takes advantage of those around him and lacks empathy.

Whether not my last straw happened in December 2008 (Holidays Leading to Last Straw), our relationship had been on the downswing for years. In fact, when my husband & I had left from our Thanksgiving 2008 visit, I knew that I would not continue subjecting myself, husband, and now child to this toxic, dysfunctional, and very criticizing experience. Since the early 2000′s, I have left visits with him feeling empty, dejected, and sad. No matter how I set my mind to having a positive experience prior to the gathering, it never failed– I would leave feeling horrible.

Conclusion– How to Handle the Critical Parent

No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you’ll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life.

Steps to gain control include: doing nothing, communicating your feelings and expectations, setting boundaries, separating yourself from your parent, and estrangement / no-contact. Steps can be completely skipped or passed through quickly depending on the individual situation.

Most importantly, let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can’t make this critical parent into a kind and approving parent.

See our parenting class reviews: http://parentingresourcesandreviews.webs.com/

Children don’t come with instruction manuals and parenting doesn’t come with a manual or an infallible guide. Every situation and family is unique. We as individuals are different. There are different parenting styles and variations. To provide training and education that is universal, it has to be based on fundamentals which make us all similar. This would be human psychology, human behavior, and decades of scientific research and studies. Without training or education, we parent with instinct and our personal experiences. Maybe what we learned (consciously and subconsciously) from our parents, family members or others. We parent around our beliefs, morals, and values. Even with training and education in parenting, we need to be naturally adaptive, resourceful, and improvisational. Proper parenting training and education provides a foundation of knowledge which we can build off of, making it easier and more efficient to use our natural parenting instincts and skills.

Parenting is something that cannot be perfected. We can be passionate about it and do the best possible job that we can. It is the most fruitful investment because it is for the benefit of our children and our relationship with our children. When we are passionate about something or are motivated because it’s something that is important to us, we seek knowledge to be as proficient as possible. We educate ourselves by learning from sources which have the best and most comprehensive information on what we are passionate about.

There are many books and programs dealing with all kinds of parenting information and solutions. Some parents look for information on only one parenting topic, such as a certain problem they are having with their child. What they may not know is that a parenting class can provide them with the information and solutions to the problem, as well as a lot of other parenting information and solutions to other problems that may arise. Even further, a parenting class can help them to be an all around skilled parent. It can even help them prevent other problems, saving them valuable time. While it is fine to gain additional knowledge on a certain parenting topics, it is important to have the all around parenting knowledge.

Parenting classes provide an all-around general knowledge of many different aspects of parenting. Parenting classes have to be the best way to acquire comprehensive and all-around knowledge having to do with parenting. The topics and lessons taught in most parenting classes focus on the big picture and the foundation of parenting. Parenting classes are based on scientific research relating to parenting. Parenting classes are designed by this extensive body of knowledge that took decades of studies and research to attain. Of course, people will continue to research this.

There are many theories on the right and wrong ways to parent children, but we have to remember that some theories have been researched and tested by generations of highly educated and skilled scientists and professionals. This body of knowledge is reflected in parenting classes.

It was said that children and parenting your children doesn’t come with a manual, but one of the best “parenting manuals” would be a parenting class. Whether you are a new parent or have been a parent, you can benefit from the information offered in parenting classes.

Some parents are court ordered to take a parenting class, or a co-parenting class in divorce or separation situations. This shows that legal professionals view parenting classes as a good and credible source for parenting education. Whether you have to take a parenting class, or just want to improve your parenting skills, online parenting classes are perfect.

Online parenting classes can be done in the privacy of your own home, at your own pace, at any time of day, and around your schedule. They are very affordable and very convenient. The lessons and topics in these parenting classes are practical, easy to understand, and very educational. You can only gain from the experience.

Our children are more valuable and important than anything else, so any knowledge involving them or raising them should be considered valuable and important. We all want to raise our children to grow into strong, loving, and responsible adults. Good parenting benefits parents and children, and the benefits can last a lifetime. Improving our parenting skills and investing in our children are the best investments that we could ever make.

So, hold good parenting and education as high values,

take a parenting class, spread the word, and

We at parenting resources and reviews selected a few of the best online parenting classes available. For your convenience and general information, we provided overviews of the lessons and topics covered in these parenting classes, and some of the company website’s beneficial features. We also provided reviews of these selected classes. These overviews and reviews will help you make a more informed decision, and help you select the parenting class that is right for you.

Happy parenting!

Parenting Resources and Reviews

http://parentingresourcesandreviews.webs.com/

At the time of divorce, when both the dad and mom are separated, parenting plan performs an essential function in matter of custody of children.

That is in an effort to ensure the right security and security of the kid and also to provide the most effective comfort to the child. Since parenting plan requires an enormous exercise and as it requires each little bit of detail beginning from finances to the well being of kid, there may be positively a necessity to attract out a protected parenting plan both in the interest of parents and likewise in the interest of child.

There are a lot of instances where dad and mom have to discuss and present their parenting plan in custody court or a district court to clarify how youngsters will be given care whereas parents are under separation.

Parenting plan must be authorized by the court

This agreement of parenting plan must be permitted by the court and this additionally safeguards the future of children. During this time, whereas kids are below parenting plan, dad and mom should avoid future conflicts and should follow the guidelines given by the court and must additionally discharge the responsibilities regarding youngsters with utmost care as per the guidelines.

This fashion parenting plan is unquestionably an important supply of assist to folks as well as to the children.

How the parenting plan must be made

There are various varieties, templates and worksheets can be found to element the parenting plan.  Additional there are pattern parenting plans also obtainable for the simple reference and guideline of parents who draw and draft parenting plan.

In case of occurrence of any dispute between the dad and mom, an arbitrator will have the ability to clear up the dispute of parents and an appropriate resolution is taken. A parenting plan will address a number of the important problems with bodily custody, legal custody, little one assist, health care, annual holidays for college, contact address, college capabilities and every other matter in particular related to the care of the children.

Parenting plan is in the interest and safety of children

Parenting plan also refers to medical insurance matters, arbitration, taxes and relatives or guardians for children. For the reason that entire parenting plan is within the curiosity and safety of children, every matter that pertains to the well being and wellness of child can be taken care of whereas drafting the parenting plan.

Every state has its personal laws for parenting plan.  As it is the order of court, the mother and father must abide by the legal guidelines of parenting plan and can’t violate any of the norms stated within the parenting plan.

If a parenting plan must be modified by the parents, a request to that extent hast to be filed with a court searching for a change in a particular area of parenting plan.

Easy methods to view and analyze action of parenting plan

As long as the parenting plan is working within the curiosity of children, there aren’t any points or no problems. Further till the court docket points additional orders, the prevailing parenting plan holds good for the parents and to the children.
The parenting plan is a part of divorce order

The parenting plan is part of divorce order issued by the court and when youngsters are involved there are extra pointers for the dad and mom to present correct care to the child underneath the custody of the court.

Although there are lots of flexible clauses which might be suitably permitted for a change, the permission from the court is at all times required for any change to return into effect. Additional a baby who’s above the age of thirteen can all the time testify in court about parenting plan.

Parenting plan gives many options both for parents and for children

This way, parenting plan affords many choices each for folks and for kids which isn’t solely protected but additionally very effective.

Because the court is the primary guide here for parenting plan, it’s considered that for a lot of good reasons, parenting plan is a definitely a source of assist for the security and security of children.

What are the instruments of parenting plan ?

Though there are a lot of templates accessible for parenting plan, it will be important for both the dad and mom to discuss and draw worksheets and makes an in depth parenting plan. Additional they can additionally get an entry to sample parenting plans which cowl all facets of kids and can allow a greater parenting plan for the advantage of children.
Parenting plan is unquestionably an efficient device for the financial and emotional settlement of kids

As parenting plan covers, medical advantages, insurance coverage, schooling and other provisions for the child, it will be significant for each the dad and mom, to produce the best parenting plan which is the interest of each the parents.

This may undoubtedly give the most effective care to the kids and they will be capable of gain a lot from the effectively drafted and effectively introduced draft of parenting plan.

This way, parenting plan is definitely an efficient tool for the financial and emotional settlement of children.

Basics Of Parenting

            Today, the one and the only question that is in the minds of everybody is “where are the youth of this generation going?” as the lifestyle and values of the youth is bothering the society to say the least. Though the  problems created by the youth and the problems faced by them are innumerable, it is not the state of affairs of the youth alone that is causing anxiety. The baby on its way into this world, new born babies and the children in different stages of growth  also face and cause problems. While trying to find the root cause of the problem it is the parents who are blamed for it, most of the time.   Though they are not the sole cause, they have a major role to play.   Their success in parenting depends on the kind of parents they are, their environment, the support from the family, the possibility of getting trained for parent hood, the level of education, the nature of the child concerned etc.,. The problems, mostly psychological, would vanish with proper  parenting.  In the early days, people mostly lived in joint families.  The experience and advice the young parents received from the elders, parents, aunts, grand parents, uncles, guided them in the process of parenting.  The children also had many people to support them, to allow them to vent their feelings and  to learn the probable ways of findings solutions to their problems.

True Story

            While talking to a group of adolescent girls shocking messages came to light.   Many of the adolescent girls were having illicit relationship with auto drivers with whom they were coming to school.   Deeper analysis brought out the fact that these girls were longing for love from their parents.    When an iota of love or something akin to it is shown by the auto driver, they easily fall a prey to the former’s devious designs; of course they suffer later when they find it difficult to extricate themselves from the driver’s clutches.    Only the parents can help these children.    One of the great, noble traits of parenthood is love  and that alone can cure many ills faced by the children and youth. It can help the girls to retrieve themselves1.

            In yet another instance, a 5 years old orphan boy in a care centre for the AIDS infected persons   stunned the onlookers by saying that if his father had had proper parenting, he would not have gone astray and ended with AIDS, infecting his mother too2. Even this small lad knows the importance of parenthood.   Everyone knows about parenting and follow the kind of parenting demonstrated by their parents or that which they have learnt through courses or training or advice given by psychologists or gurus.

Styles of Parenting:

            Just as there are different types of human beings, there are different types of styles of parents.    The parents’ style influences the level and kind of development of the child.    Whatever may be the style of parenting the essentials to be looked into are, “Express your love, make your child feel secure. Build their self-esteem. Stay flexible and recognize the time for change as your child grows. Communicate openly and honestly and be confident  in your own ability”3. When you talk to your child, you should be actually listening not just hearing.

            There are different types of parenting, such as “Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive4”.   Parents who are very clear about their role and give instructions with confidence can be considered as Authoritative.   The Reader’s Digest Great Dictionary of the English language shows that authoritative means commanding and self confident, while authoritarian implies, favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority5.  It is similar to dictatorship.

            Another variety of parenting is known as permissive.  These parents allow their children to follow their own path, mostly non-interfering.   It is similar to saying, “let the sleeping dogs lie” as they are.   These parents do not want to follow any strict rules or take up much responsibility in bringing up their children.   There is another mode of classifying the parents.   According to this classification, there are three types of parents, such as Consultant, Helicopter, Dull Sergeants6.

Three Types of Parents

           

CONSULTANT

 

HELICOPTER

 

DRILL SERGEANT

 

This Love and Logic parent provides guidance and consultant services for children

 

This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live.

 

This parent commands and directs the lives of children.

1.

The Love and Logic parent provides messages of personal worth and strength

1.

provides messages of weakness and low personal worth

1.

provides messages of low personal worth and resistance

2.

The Love and Logic parent very seldom mentions responsibilities

2.

makes excuses for the child, but complains about mishandled responsibilities

2.

makes lots of demands and has lots of expectations about responsibility.

3.

The Love and Logic parent demonstrates how to take care of self and be responsible

3.

“takes on” the responsibility of the child

3.

tells the child how he /she should handle responsibility

4.

The Love and Logic parent shares personal feelings about own performance and responsibilities

4.

protects the child from any possible negative feelings

4.

tells the child how he / she should feel

5.

The Love and Logic parent provides and helps child explore alternatives and then allows child to make his / her own decision

5.

makes decisions for the child

5.

provides absolutes : “This is the decision you should make”.

6.

The Love and Logic parent provides “time frames” in which child may complete responsibilities

6.

provides no structure, but complaints, “After all I’ve done for you…”

6.

demands that jobs or responsibilities be done now

7.

The Love and Logic parent models doing a good job, finishing, cleaning up, feeling good about it.

7.

whines and uses guilt : “When are you ever going to learn.   I always have to clean up after you.”

7.

issues orders and threats: “You get that room cleaned up or else…”

8.

The Love and Logic parent often asks self, “Who owns the problem?” helps the child explore solutions to his / her problem

8.

whines and complains about having an irresponsible child who causes “me” much work and responsibility

8.

takes over ownership of the problem using threats and orders to solve the problem

9.

The Love and Logic parent uses lots of actions, but very few words

9.

uses lots of words and actions that rescue or indicate that the child is not capable or responsible

9.

uses lots of harsh words, very few actions

10.

The Love and Logic parent allows child to experience life’s natural consequences and allows them to serve as the teacher

10.

protects child from natural consequences, uses guilt as the teacher

10.

uses punishment; pain and humiliation can serve as the teacher.

Source: http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/threetypes.pdf

One way to identify the kind of parents is by analyzing the kind of gifts they give to their children in order to make them do any specific activity.  Some parents have a survival mentality; they give their child “whatever” just to make them do the job. Some parents operate with a default mentality.    They give their child what is popular without considering whether it will be the most helpful. In actual practice the parent should be operating deliberately and purposefully, giving the child what is useful after carefully thinking through.    They are usually known as “intentional parents” 7.   Depending on what kind or type of parents they are, the goals, and gifts also change.    In the case of permissive parents, the guiding motive will be, “If I can just make it through the child – rearing years, I can get my life back”.   Their goal will be “jilting the kids out of the house”.  They follow the easiest method of doing whatever is easy to do.  Hence, they use bribes, threats and use TV as a baby sitter8.

            On the other hand, those “who want to give the child what will be best and most helpful for him”, will have the goal of preparing the child for life as a productive adult. They would spend quality time with the child, imparting ethical values to the child.  The gifts given by such parents would be, “religious books, enjoyable pastimes, academics, home skills and chances for socialization” 9.

            If a child is to be successful in life, the appropriate parental care is necessary.    But, of course, there are children who grow up into successful adults, in spite of defective parenting.   But such cases are very rare.   The society at present is facing problems of parenting especially in the case of single parent, divorced parents, simple and extended families. Most of the children brought up by single parent and unmarried mothers, find it difficult to cope with the pressures in the family and society.

Parenting Skills:

            With, hectic work schedule of the parents, the heavy load of learning coupled with  many distractions and the problems faced by the society, the children are looking for the support of their parents for a secure life.    It is ordinarily observed that parenting without proper foundation has always and indefinitely led to confusions in  child development.    What is essential is

Ø  Developing and clarifying clear communicative expectations.

Ø  Staying calm in the midst of turmoil

Ø  Encouraging positive consequences and consistency.

Ø  Being the role model to your child.

Ø  Effective praising.10

           

To be a successful parent discipline is necessary.  At the same time, there should be consistency in whatever the parents are saying and doing, parents should have a preplanned, pre-developed strategy to teach proper behaviour to the child. That is, both the parents,or the single parent should make their expectations clear to the child. , Both of them can sail smoothly while bringing up their child.    They should be very specific and firm in teaching their children. Moreover, the parents must take into consideration the child’s age, ability, developmental status and the resources that are available for the family.11   Once the expectations are clearly stated, it is necessary that both the parents should communicate it to the child, without contradictions.    In addition to these, there should be frequent family ‘get togethers’.  Instead of punishing the child for not abiding by the expectations, it will be better to have discussions to clear the child’s doubts and parents being role models.

            Ray Burke states that “Children can be sarcastic, defiant, rebellious and possibly violent, parents have to prepare themselves for times like these and learn to keep cool” 12.   Yet another way to increase or encourage desirable behavior is to use positive consequences.    What the parents should remember is to use the positive consequences that would work with the child.   While developing a child’s behavior the parents should remember “consistency”.    Consistency is the key to being a successful parent.    This gives the message to the child that “your parents are reliable and serious”.

            The most important aspect of successful parents is that the parents should be role model for their child 13. The parent should be a positive role model for their child to follow.    As Ray Burke say, “Praise is powerful…. Praise is nourishment.   It helps in the emotional development.  It helps in building up self-esteem, belief of personal satisfaction, feeling of security.”14    The praise should be communicated to the child either verbally or through action.

Parenting Skills :

Ø  Discipline

Ø  Education

Ø  Finance

With the social changes,  the extended family that existed earlier, which played the vital role of a model, a shock absorber, a vent for relieving one’s feelings has become a thing of the past.   Hence, the parents of the modern era have to learn creative ways of bringing up their children.   It is found that the most important but controversial parenting skills is DISCIPLINE.   Whether the method is, redirection, time-outs, loss of privileges, grounding, extra chores, or sparking, the parents should embrace their role to train their children to become moral and respectable adults15. The second skill to be acquired by the parents is regarding education.  The parents should also be educating their children in moral values.   The child’s education should take into consideration certain important facts16:

v  Family’s financial status.

v  Quality of local public and private schools.

v  Level of parental education.

v  Personalities of parents and children.

v  Home schooling support and resources.

v  The involvement of the parents in the child’s education.

Besides education, one of the important parenting skills is the effective way of dealing with financial issues.    The demand for expenditure for rearing the child, medical, hygienic needs etc. are soaring high today.     Hence, a successful parent should know what is essential and what is not before deciding upon the expenditure of the limited resources.

Conclusion

            There is no doubt that children bring us much joy and much responsibility.   Most of the stress and worry of bringing them up can be reduced or removed with proper, careful planning.    The parents should plan when to have a child.   The working mother, if she is to stay at home, once the child is born, should plan earlier to save as much as possible and cut down the family expenditure.   Both the parents have to plan to set aside enough time to be with the child, not only when it is a baby, but till the child becomes an adult.

             The parents, need not be only the problematic, should avail of training in parenting skill as much as possible. First of all, both parents should have a congenial and frank communication between them.   Only then, once the child comes into the family, they will be able to communicate with the child easily.   Further the “ego”, the concept of “I” should be relegated to the background.    It is possible that the child becomes sick at times mildly, at times seriously.    Both the parents should take responsibility of looking after the child, not blaming each other as the cause of sickness.    The child rearing, though filled with difficulties, hurdles and events that test one’s tolerance, is undoubtedly a pleasure.  It is a joy.   A successful parent should know how to smile.    That will reduce the stress and pain of the child.    As it grows into adolescent stage, the skills of the parents should be developed further.    They should know more about the physique, the psychology and mental development of the child.

            It should be remembered that the requisites of  an effective parent are dedication, attention, love and constant denial of easily administering swift punishment. Though parenting is time consuming, the fruits are very attractive.    The future generation and its success depends on the effective, successful and cheerful parents of today to a great extent.

END NOTES

1.       Author’s personal experience

2.       Ibid.

3.       http://www.raisingkids.co.uk 10.14.2008

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/614981/authoritative_authoritarian_and_permissive.html
The Great Dictionary of English Language (Readers Digest Association Limited, London, 2003) p.56, 57
Three Types of Parents: Love and Logic institute – www.loveandlogic.com 1981.
http://intentionalparents.com/types-of-parents/ p.1
Ibid. p.2.
Ibid.p.2
http://allp

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• behavior of an orphan boy (1)

What are the things that are holding you back from engaging in Dating for Parents? Is it a “YOU” issue or a “KIDS” issue or a “HIM” issue? Do you know what you can do to help eliminate these unwanted doubts and hesitations? Do you want to move on?

Actually, the “HIM” and the “KIDS” issues can be overcome once you get over the “YOU” issues that you have. You need to resolve your personal issues, your personal hesitations and doubts, and for sure, all the other issues would just go away on their own. Once you know your place and you stand up for what you want and need, the rest would just follow.

Alright, so here are some few tips on how to boost your confidence and kiss those doubts and hesitations behind:

a. Give yourself a confidence boost. Meaning, don’t bring yourself down. Most single mums hesitate on Parents Dating, even dating in general, because they seem to think that dating is not for them anymore. This is really wrong because you deserve as much of a chance to find your soul mate as the next single lady. If anything, you deserve double the chance because of the things that you have endured in life, and the way you have overcome all of the trials. Look into the mirror and gaze at the woman that you are, strong and lovely, and deserving her very own Prince Charming.

b. Remember your strengths. When in doubt remember that you are a strong, courageous, beautiful woman, who up to this point, managed to raise beautiful children single-handed. And we all know that raising kids is not a walk in the park. It requires skill, strength that not a lot of people have. But you have managed to pull it off beautifully. Because of your kids, you have also developed your patience, and your ability to love unconditionally. Because of the things that you have been through, you see life in a different light, by thanking and appreciating all the things that come your way. This would be seen by your Parents Already date. He will see what a wonderful person you are and what a catch you can be. he will see how lucky he is to have you!

c. You are a light to this world, and you would do well to know that. You are an inspiration to your kids, friends, and family for standing up by yourself. You are a light and the man that you choose to share your light with would be one lucky man. Never think otherwise.

So now that your doubts again, all the rest should just follow. You deserve your very own Happy Ending. And if you see Prince Charming in that happy ending, then go find him at a good Dating for Parents website.

Are you looking for a man at a dating for parents site that can accept you? What qualities are you looking for? What qualities SHOULD you be looking for? Now that you are confident enough to go into Single Parents Dating, it is now time to talk about guys.

To be part of a couple, you would need someone to be a couple with. In short, you need a guy so that you can be one-half of a couple. Inane reasoning, yes, but still the truth. It takes two to tango and two to make a relationship.

So where are we going with this? This is the focus on your prospect guy. This man might be your soul mate, and Dating for Parents is just the tool that would lead the two of you together.

Okay, so the biggest advantage in going online dating at a dating for parents site is that everyone knows what to expect. Most men on that site already know that most of the ladies are single mums, so you won’t have to go through the awkward phase of telling your man that you are a single mum.

Now, I’m not saying that the whole coming out with the fact that you have kids is awkward, but one must admit that if you aren’t the one who feels awkward with it, then the guy is. Single parents dating service eliminates this, thus you can get past that phase and go on to more important matters such as getting to know each other better.

Alright, so with Single Parents Dating, your guy would know what to expect. He would know that you won’t be available all the time because you need time to be with your kids.

One of the things that would let you know if your guy is a keeper is if he knows when to step back when he knows that you need to spend time with the kids. He doesn’t whine or coerce you to staying longer with him.

Because you know within yourself that your son’s soccer final game or your daughter’s ballet recital is more important, your guy should know that too.

And what’s more, he would be really great if he knows that and doesn’t hold it against you.

And you know what is one more thing that’s good with Single Parents Dating? It’s the fact that your prospective partners there already know what a keeper you are because they know that you are a single mom. He knows that you are bound to be responsible and hard-working, and he would value that.

He knows that you are a strong woman who can take in the responsibilities of motherhood. And he also knows and appreciates the fact that you are one woman who is risking her heart for him, to love again.

Parenting is a difficult job. One needs to be very careful when it comes to raise children. The basics of parenting should be learned otherwise life becomes tough. Many parents, especially those who are new, require help to manage their family life properly. Parenting workshops often proves to be good for them.

Those who are lucky enough to have elderly ladies in family can gain some helpful tips on how to raise children without any external help. However, parent coaching is good for all – whether you have adequate knowledge of parenting or not, parenting coaching always equip you with more ideas and strategies to handle your family matters smartly.

Hence, going for parenting classes is a win-win situation – you have nothing to lose at all. Chances are high that you will learn a lot of new things while interacting with psychologists, counselors, child specialists, doctors and other parents. Hence, it will be a wise decision to go for parent coaching whenever you fail to find a realistic solution to your problems.

How Parenting Workshops Help

Putting it simply, parenting workshops equip you with essential parenting skills to raise a healthy, happy and responsible child who can enrich the family as well as the society with their positive contributions.

To make your child a reliable, trustworthy and healthy citizen of tomorrow you need to know the basics of parenting very well. If you fail to recognize the problems your children are experiencing, how can you help them grow up to your dreams?

That’s why you need to attend parent coaching classes. Such sessions help you in many ways; some are mentioned below:

Solve A Specific Problem

Parenting classes help you learn how to solve a specific problem. Initially the problem might seem to be your own, as if none else can undergo such a situation. But after meeting the parenting experts you might be surprised to know that there are others who are undergoing or have passed through similar problems. It definitely gives you a moral support.

Finally, the parenting coaching helps you find the solution that you were looking for. At the end of the session you become experienced enough to address many common problems associated with family life and child care.

Explore New Parenting Strategies

There are many ways to reach a single point. You might have tried one particular avenue; however, you never know if there are other easier options or not. Parenting workshops help you identify those unexplored options of parenting.

Perhaps you have tried to impart discipline to your child through punishment whereas; rewards and storytelling are better means to achieve the same goal. Once you learn the facts, you can implement them in your life.

Hence, even when your parenting strategies are working fine and you have no problems with your family life, you can undergo parenting courses just to gain knowledge and skills. So go for it and become proud parents.

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Parenting is a vastly important function that’s required to be performed in order to ensure better upbringing of a child. It is necessary for parents to learn the right kind of parenting so as to make the child confident and to face the challenges of life strongly.

Approaching a parenting center would be a wise decision for parents where they will be guided in a right direction as to what are the best ways to up bring a child. The parenting center is completely dedicated to help parents in becoming a successful family guardian.

The parenting center helps with professional counseling, expert parenting advice, educational classes, children management information and co-parenting. Such assistance will help you to become a much more refined and managed parent to build a dynamic personality of your child.

It is a fact that all kids do not behave in a same way. Each kid has different behavioral patterns from the other kid. If some kids are sensitive by nature there are other kids who are aggressive and violent in behavior. The parenting center educates the parents about how they should tackle each child differently.

The parenting centers make you aware of the importance of listening, watching and learning while dealing with your children. The experts of a parenting center will give you parenting advice on dealing with child’s emotional, physical and mental development without building unrealistic expectations from them. Each child has his or her own capabilities, talents and interests. As per true parenting, it is not wise to force your child to become a doctor if he has an interest in painting. The parenting center will guide you to analyze your child’s interest and encourage your child in the same.

Also, one of the common problems faced in a family is communication gap between parents and kids. The experts of the parenting center will give you important tips on how to narrow down this gap in a healthy manner so that your child can express his or her emotions freely before you.

If parents are working, the best parenting advice will get in these centers is how to take some time out of your life so that you can spend some quality time with your kids. The parenting center also organizes camps, classes and work hours from time to time in which the parents can spend a dedicated time with their children.